A New Year

My life is pretty easy, if I think about it. Things are simple. I don’t have a lot of responsibilities or expenses. So I figured it was time to put a stop to all that, and go back to school.

I’ve been having a career identity crisis in recent years. What am I? A comedian who doesn’t perform much. An actor who works mostly as an extra, and books a “real” part maybe once a year. A banquet server who’s getting tired of this shit. A writer who never writes anything. During the height of the pandemic I worked at COVID vaccination clinic, which felt like I was making a difference in the world. But I’m glad it’s a job that isn’t needed anymore.

Shhh! Christmas.

Happy new year. Did you have a good holiday? That’s nice. I don’t really do small talk.

I realize I wrote about the holiday season, without mentioning the holidays themselves. After skipping Christmas last year, I looked forward to doing it again. I had the house to myself in Toronto, not a lot of gifts to buy, and no midnight mass to go to. I didn’t leave the house on Christmas Eve, no thank you. On the 25th I talked to my family on Skype, and then spent the rest of the day at my friend Marla’s apartment. She had a few girls over, and cooked an amazing first-time turkey. I mean, it was her first attempt at making it. Also, the turkey’s first time being dinner.

A Black and White New Year

I went to an amazing party for New Year’s, although I wasn’t feeling very amazing myself. I lasted until the big countdown, then went home. It’s really easy to get a cab when you’re the first one out! I still had a cold/sinus thing that everyone else had. When I say “everyone else” I mean Western Canada. I tried to drink my way through it, but it just didn’t work.

Amy discovered this party called Frolic, so a gang of us got together for that. The theme was a black and white masquerade, with these crazy masks included in the ticket price. I wanted to go all-white, since I have plenty of black “graphic designer” clothes. I also wanted something inexpensive, since you never know what kind of beating the outfit will take.

I went to Value Village for my New Year’s costume. A second-hand, formal white dress is usually… yeah, a wedding dress. I could accessorize it so that it won’t look so bridal. The idea of wedding dresses at Value Village has always troubled me. Some woman paid hundreds of dollars for a dress, only used it once, then donated it to a bargain store. It might end up as a costume. Or some other woman buys it for her wedding, because that’s all she can afford. I was thinking how depressing that was… then realized that here I am, standing in line to try on wedding dresses at Value Village! You want to say: “This is not what it looks like! I’m not getting married for real… I don’t even have a boyfriend. I’m just trying on wedding dresses… Stop looking at me.”

In the end I got a cool 1960s-style plain shift dress. With long white gloves, a white feather boa, a string of pearls and a new shorter hairdo, I was very Jackie-O. Oh, here’s another concept that disturbed me: With eating and stuff, I had to keep taking off and putting on the gloves. The act of pulling on a white glove seems a bit… like I’m going to give someone a rectal exam. “How’s it going?” (sound of glove snapping)

A few of us got together at Adam’s place before heading out. We knew once we got to the party, we wouldn’t be able to find each other. “Hi, I’m looking for the guy in the mask. He’s wearing black.. and white.” It’s like going to a ski hill, you lose your group once everyone puts on a toque and goggles. I’m still trying to figure out what happened to everyone!

The party was pretty wild, and the first year they’ve done it. A thousand people in black and white, with masks, feathers, sparkles. There were stilt walkers, a fire eater (outside), and a woman spinning above the dance floor, hanging from a harness. Everyone tried to reach up and touch her, because she was like some kind of angel. It’s safe to assume many people were high.

I had a cigarette because… why not? It’s the last day of the last year that you can smoke in one of the last cities in North America that still allowed indoor smoking. Out with the old! I couldn’t finish the whole thing.

As I said earlier, I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t stay much past the midnight countdown. I said goodbye to all of my people that I could find, touched the magic flying angel lady again for good luck, and went on my way. I didn’t do the New Year’s kiss — but I did start chatting with a cute guy, who said he was a volleyball player.

He said: “Well? You’re a comedian, say something funny.”
I said: “Show me a volleyball move.”
He didn’t.
I walked away.

This is a litmus test when it comes to meeting guys. If I tell them I’m a comic, and they DON’T demand a joke from me, then they might be a keeper. The issue is really very black and white.